Teen Mom 2: Season 2, Episode 12 SEASON FINALE RECAP!!1

The winner of this season’s Alcoholics Conspicuous Most Valuable Kieffer’s Green Sweatshirt is Lauren McKinney for giving us all the greatest idea yet: prank calling Barb.

Oh you gotta be high to not think that’s hilarious.

Thanks for playing, guys. I love all of your comments so much that I almost get angry at how funny they are because it makes me realize that you could all probably do my job better than I can.

Here we go. Season finale. Just a month and a half before we get our precious Ambers and Garys back. Y’all ready for this?

Kailyn: 

Kailyn confirms any remaining suspicions we had lingering after seeing her and Jo shut the cameras out of her bedroom. She “went too far” with him. Gross. Would that I could unlearn that.

But wait it gets worse. Jo goes into the garage where his brother Junior is playing with trucks and he tells Junior that he and Kailyn had sex in the shower.

STOP.

Not just that he and Kailyn had sex. But that they had sex in the shower.

I never thought of this, but given that Kailyn has no chin and Jo has nothing but chin, it shouldn’t be a surprise that it all evened out and Isaac ended up Chin Neutral.

Jordan comes over and Kailyn finally tells him that things with her and Jo “went too far” and she didn’t elaborate. Then she got mad at him when he inferred that she cheated on him even though she totally cheated on him but just didn’t say it out loud.

Then she had the nerve to say that Jordan just didn’t understand her situation and that she has a special bond with Jo.

Even Isaac was like dis bish trippin.

So Jordan OF COURSE walked out because Kail was, in fact, trippin.

Later, Jo came over so that Kailyn could talk to him about what happened between them and we learn that Jo isn’t looking for a relationship or to settle down with any females right now. I think that’s how he phrased it. It sounds right.

She needs to remember that Jo is married to tha streets (okay, it’s a cul-de-sac, but still…)

Chelsea:

Chelsea takes her GED writing test and she’s “done” with it. But I have a feeling she’s not “done” with it, because CHELSEA: CAKES ARE DONE; PEOPLE ARE FINISHED. She’ll be re-taking this shit.

Her mom, who suspiciously looks a little too much like a human Lois Griffin, wants to go with Chunky to a car show. Chunky asks her if she only wants to go to meet a man and her mom says yes. Oh good. What well-adjusted adult doesn’t remember that seminal moment in their life when they first took their mom out to meet men?

And her mom knows that Adam is going to be there, but she wants Chunky to go with her anyway. I see Chunky and her mom share a taste in men. Men who enjoy car shows. Blech.

They go to the car show and they both wear their flirtiest (tackiest) hair feather. Her mom finds a suitor immediately and he was probably wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt or at least owns one. So Chunky goes a-wanderin’ with Aubsauce and she sees Adam and has an actual nervous breakdown at a South Dakota car show.

I would have thought that seeing Adam in all of his sleeves-cut-off glory would have reminded her that he is just the worst, but instead she finds herself sobbing on a park bench about how she can’t make him love her.

Chunky, seriously; YOU CAN DO BETTER. ALSO STOP WITH THE BRONZER IT LOOKS NOT GREAT.

Chunky finds out that she did, in fact, “do good” on the writing portion of the GED because she passed. Somehow. But good on you. And Aubsauce is looking cute than a MFer. I got none but love here. For now. But date Adam again and so help me God I will go back to hating you SO QUICKLY.

She calls her dad (Dr. Randy Houska, DDS!) to tell him she passed that portion of the GED test and he seems less than enthused. Why should he be excited about this? This is something she shouldn’t even have to be doing. That’s like being proud that someone got out on parole. Shouldn’t have been in jail to begin with.

Adam comes to pick up Aubree (What a dumb spelling for that name. Says “Eireann”. But still. Dumb.) and invites Chunky to come over so they can catch up.

On the way out the door, Aubree cries when Adam tries to pick her up, so Adam was like, “Gaaahd Chelsea what’d you do to her?”

You mean what did Chelsea do to make Aubree have such intense stranger anxiety around you, Adam? WHAT DID CHELSEA DO TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN? Sorry, I didn’t realize Chelsea was the one who made you disappear from your daughter’s life for months at a time to the point where Aubree only vaguely recognized you when you came by.

He drives both Chunky and Aubree in his pickup truck with his white sunglasses and backwards hat and terrible tattoos and UH OH! looks like someone thinks he’s Ryan from Teen Mom Classic. 

You will never be Ryan. You hear me, Adam? NEVER.

But on the serious, Ryan and Adam should totally have a Deadbeat Dad Off behind the old barn.

I don’t know what old barn I’m talking about, but judging from where Adam lives, I’m guessing there’s a barn nearby.

Oh and Adam thinks he and Chelsea should just be “civil friends”.

Later, her mom warns her that this is all terrible and Chunky should absolutely not be doing this, but Chunky cuts her off midsentence to go ride with Adam on his motorcycle. God.

Civil friends become civil lovers.

Leah:

Corey goes to the town reader to have the local newspaper’s divorce section read to him. And his local paper has a divorce section. It seems adorable and quaint and provincial and tragic all at once.

The writer in me wanted to rename the divorce section to something a little more punchy. Divorcin’ Digest? Homewrecked Homefronts?

So Corey goes to the only place where anybody ever seems to have phone service in West Virginia (their front porch) and calls his dad to tell him what he seen in the paper.

His dad reminds Corey that Leah is still the mother of his girls and he should treat her accordingly. Corey tells his dad he hasn’t seen the girls in a week, and his dad admits that it must be “awkward” for Corey to be living in the big empty house all alone.

Awkward? Did his dad take the same English GED subtest as Chelsea?

"That awkward moment when you walk past your kids' room and they're not there because you are divorced and your ex-wife is seeking full custody..."

Also, can we talk about how sad it is that Corey found out that Leah was divorcing him from reading about it in the paper like every other schlub in town? Was having a sky-writer put “I’M DIVORCING YOU” in the sky too expensive for Leah?

I can just imagine poor Corey thumbing through The Daily Yokel (although I’m guessing their hometown isn’t big enough to support a daily paper) trying to find his Garfield comic strip (Corey seems like a guy who reads Garfield) and WHOOMP! there it is; news of his divorce.

Oh, and for someone who can barely pronounce the word “lawyer”, Leah is surprisingly litigious via text:

Leah is still staying at her mom’s house (trailer), and we find out that the package with all of Leah’s wedding pictures just came in the mail. So wait. Let me get this straight; Leah and Corey were married and divorced in less time than it took to develop their wedding pictures?

This is what my heart looked like after learning that:

P.S. Mrs. Leah’s Mom, I’m LUUUUURVING the red in your hair. Welcome to the redhead fold. And welcome to a lifetime of knowing that literally every single person you interact with is wondering about your pubes.

It’s a blessing and a curse is what I’m saying.

Leah’s lawww-yurr finally informs her that she can let Corey have the girls for the weekend. So Leah hands them off to Corey and Corey’s dad at her lawyer’s office. It was a weird place to do the hand-off.

Leah and her family go to Corey’s place to move all of her stuff out and it’s sad and everybody looks sweaty and dusty and there is mascara and bronzer on every surface that sadness hasn’t already touched.

Jenelle: 

Jenelle flies into Long Beach airport (ew) to go to rehab. She is greeted by her “admissions counselor” at the gate. This is the closest she’ll ever come to meeting with an actual admissions counselor, so I say live it up girl, cuz college ain’t happening.

Walking Stereotype in Long Beach

I get that she got a “scholarship” to rehab because she’s on Teen Mom 2. I get that. And I also understand that MTV probably made a deal with the rehab facility that if they pay for her treatment, MTV will rep the shit out of their place.

Can I get paid, too? Or at least secure a scholarship for my future kids??

Hey guys; are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Go to Malibu Horizon Drug Rehab! Their non 12-step rehab is grrrrreat! 

I don’t know why I did that rehab endorsement in the voice of Tony the Tiger. Moving on.

And listen; did we really need to meet EVERYBODY on staff there? I know that learning who the director of the facility is is important for the viewing audience. But did we also need to meet every single resident technician? Or Hector? Did we need to meet Hector?

We don't need to remember your name.

Anyway, Jenelle meets with the director and tells her that she doesn’t really have a problem with drugs. She just has a problem with the fact that the judge is ordering her not to do drugs as a consequence for breaking and entering into a house and bringing drugs. Awww… Can you hear you, Jenelle?

We find out that Jenelle has a brother? And he has bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia? And that she might have it too? Jeebus when did all this happen? Where was I? Smoking weed on my mom’s front porch?

So Jenelle finally stops smoking weed. Of course as soon as she does, her non 12-step doctors put her on much much stronger and more habit-forming anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals, but what are you gonna do?

Then she has what MTV classified in the preview as a “breakthrough” in therapy in which she reveals that (are you ready for this?) … she’s bored. That’s not a breakthrough. That’s a statement, at best. And not even an interesting one.

Hey Jenelle, you wanna know what the hardest part of rehab was for me? The boredom. LAWL JAYKAY DEFINITELY THE DOPE SICKNESS AND DELIRIUM TREMENS AND VOMITING EVERY TEN MINUTES AND THE SHAKES OH GOD HOW I HATED THE SHAKES!

No but seriously keep whining about weed.

A few weeks of rehab and benzodiazepines later, Jenelle gets her phone back. She finds a backlog of texts and voicemails from Kieffer wanting to get back together. Here’s how we know he’s a selfish dick; he KNOWS that Jenelle WILL go to jail if she is seen with him, but he’s like, wahhhh why you gotta be like this, baby??? What about how I feel?

Jenelle stands her ground that she will not go to jail for a homeless jobless junkie with a criminal record and he’s like, pshh fine bitch I’ma move on. Then he hangs up the phone. Dicks gon dick.

Jenelle finally earns the “privilege” of calling Barb on a conference call with her therapist. She tells Barb that she might have bipolar disorder and Barb hilariously was like, “Oh yeah, I always thought you did.”

Why you didn’t say nothing then, Barb??

This immediately mounts into a fight about who Jace loves more: Barb or Jenelle. We all know that with Barbara being gone at work all day, and Jenelle being, you know… Jenelle, the person Jace loves most is probably the guy who operates the MTV crew boom mic. It’s the only stable person in his life.

Maybe the MTV key grip could serve as a father figure to Jace since Barbara’s live-in boyfriend Mike looks like the kind of guy who spends a lot of time drinking at the VFW.

Someone get the key grip to toss around a goddamn football with that kid every once in a while.

Jenelle is finally ready to be discharged. And discharge is a gross word. But weirdly, it’s also the only word I think of when I imagine what Jenelle’s tie-dyed sweatshirt smells like.

Jenelle finally gets home and is wearing a hat. Barb told her to take off her hat because Jace can’t recognize her, but Barb, hon, the hat is the least of the reasons Jace doesn’t recognize her.

They get back to their house after a meaningful conversation in the car on the way back from the airport that Barb eats a cheeseburger and a bag of fries through. Jenelle gives Jace a leather jacket? And Barbara a sweatshirt that says “Hollywood” on it. Just like the real movie stars wear.

The end. God this season was boring. I miss Catelynn and Tyler (read: April and Butch).

Thanks for reading. The next season of Teen Mom starts April 3rd. Can’t wait to see you all back! Tell your friends and probation officers about us! Follow us on Twitter @EireannDolan!

Luh y’alls.